Flower & Flame.

The power of embracing radically different experiences.

I have frequently talked about my first pregnancy & childbirth experience - a portal to ancestral reconnection & spiritual rebirth. From the very moment I conceived my daughter, I deeply felt the energetic shift that she brought with her. She was a fire that ignited my relationship with Spirit, with my maternal line, with my most powerful self.

Her birth was equally energetic, blurring the line between life & death, between our physical & spiritual worlds, between our greatest strengths & most vulnerable fears.

Now, as a wild, passionate, brave, & empathetic toddler, her fire has only continued to grow - not only within her, but reaching out to everyone she touches. This is the same energy, the same spirit she embodied in my womb, the same energy & spirit that fueled the initiation of my own fire.

The more I’ve reflected on her time in my womb, her entrance into our physical world, and her time with us here on Earth, I’ve recognized two things: First, my daughter carried with her an energy that I desperately needed in my life. And second, she desperately needed me to receive it. I needed her to be exactly who she was - who she is, & she needed me to create the capacity within myself, within my life, for her full self.

So I made space for her fire while tending to my own.

Everything felt much different when I found out I was pregnant with my second baby. I was confused, for many reasons. I felt disconnected & withdrawn. I was experiencing some of the most intense grief & sadness of my life. And for all of those reasons, I compared it to my first experience, which only created more grief & sadness. I sat with so much regret in my inability to foster the same energy, the same passion, the same spirit. But then one day, during a hypnotherapy session, I realized maybe that was the whole point.

For the first time, I decided to have a conversation with the baby I was carrying in my womb. I connected with him & told him how sorry I was that I wasn’t showing up enough, that I wasn’t doing enough, that I was mostly sad & grieving instead of relishing in early pregnancy, instead of being excited.

I didn’t expect an answer from him. The intent felt mostly personal, a space to relieve some of my heartache. But he did respond. While it wasn’t exactly in words, his reaction felt something like:

“I’m okay. I have everything I need. You are enough exactly as you are.”

It was in that moment I realized that this experience was different because his soul is different. This was not my first pregnancy & he was not my first baby. This experience was unique in its own way - & with it, so would be the lessons, so would be the learning.

I desperately believe that children choose us. They choose us for a reason. And they are also the children our own souls need at that exact time on our journey.

I haven’t fully understood all the lessons & growth this child is bringing with him - requiring me to evolve with. That path will continue to transform, weave, shift as does our journey together. But so far, he has guided me to find peace & solace in allowing grief to transform, to transmute, to alchemize, or to simply just exist. He has led me to feel fully & to recognize my own wounds - my own pain, even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard.

My daughter brought me fire. My son is bringing me Lilies.